be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
