I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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