forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
