That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
