i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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