I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
