maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
