When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
