I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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