I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
