Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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