What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Of course I have a pirate flag
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
