i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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