Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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