I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
