My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
