It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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