I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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