I hate your face
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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