I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
