i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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