oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My bed smells like the plague
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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