so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
