I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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