He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
