I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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