I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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