I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
handjob tips. give me some.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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