Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
