I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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