I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
