I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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