Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
