Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
