its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I sprained my soul last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
