He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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