When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
