PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
