4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
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