What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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