Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
