Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
