Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
