It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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