Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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