"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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