i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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