So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
