He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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