but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
