you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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