Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
