I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
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she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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