My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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