I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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