The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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