The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My life is pants optional.
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