Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
