The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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