he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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